A friend recently shared this article, and it provoked some thought. I don’t claim to be an expert on any of this so please take this for what it is worth. However, this article does talk about the impact of what not talking about all the facets of relationships has on our society in terms of creating realistic expectations. As someone in a relationship, I wanted to share my impressions.
I absolutely agree with the premise of this article that our culture is bad at teaching others that relationships are hard. They are hard or at very least take work. And, I understand why the author chose to focus on that and not talk about the good that comes from relationships. We hear it a lot, so it is not a new discussion. However, I think it hurts the argument somewhat to not elaborate more on the positive outcomes of that hard work that comes with relationships.
In the article, the author discusses a couple who had every outward appearance of a strong, happy relationship that was actually inwardly falling apart, and from there started a discussion of how our public perceptions of a "good" relationship can hurt us. I don't disagree with any of this. However, I also don't disagree with the couple that tried to hide their issues.
I have had arguments with my husband and perhaps some of those would have taken our relationship in a different direction had we not worked it out. Disagreements don't necessarily mean a relationship is heading in the wrong direction (though I realize media and public opinion differs there as well). Often times, disagreements can make things stronger even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time. I don't share that piece of my relationship publicly because at their core the arguments are about the two of us learning to understand the others needs and figure out if we can meet them. In my opinion that is a private discussion, and I think involving others would change its outcome and not necessarily for the better. I am not saying that couples shouldn’t ask for help if they need it. People should always be able to ask for help. I am only saying that the fact that a couple doesn’t publicly air their dirty laundry doesn’t mean they are setting other couples up for failure.
I am not certain that keeping this part of our relationship private hurts other couples. Perhaps there are couples who look at my relationship and find theirs lacking. Perhaps this is because they don't see the struggle that comes with the "good" things. At the same time, I think you build the relationship you need. My partner and I brought to the table what we needed and what we were willing to give. We each had areas we were and were not willing to compromise on. Someone from the outside may see something they respect in what we have, but if they and their partner are not willing to build that it won't work for them. Just as there are things I see in other couples that wouldn't work for me, I know that my needs are different. There have also been a number of times that I have seen a successful relationship and thought I don't know how they do it because for me that relationship would not meet my needs. I assume that others looking at mine probably say the same thing. It isn't about the "right" way and the "wrong" way to have a relationship; it is not a contest.
I also agree that as a culture we are not very good at showing that love isn't all you need to make a relationship successful. There are couples that can make a marriage work even if they don’t love each other. I also know a couple that was madly in love but couldn’t ever get the details right. They couldn’t figure out how to be in love and also live together or work together. I think love is important. It gives a couple something to hold onto when they reach a rocky point in the relationship. However, love is not the only thing that can make a relationship successful. The work that goes into a relationship never stops. There is never a moment when a couple is done building that bond. It is an evolution. Both people are changing which means their needs are changing.
And, let's be realistic, the relationship itself is changing. The author also mentions the concept of limerance. It is what is exciting in the newness of a relationship. However, it is also the time when you start to build the foundation for what comes next. When limerance starts to fade, it changes the interactions between the partners a little bit. Some relationships don't survive this. Some relationships get better. Some relationships miss opportunities at this phase which can hurt things down the road. It varies for every couple. However, that euphoria doesn't necessarily go away; it just changes and the couple decides what that means. I see couples who have been together for 50 years still grinning at each other like love struck teenagers. For other couples, it isn't the PDA but just being their when the other needs them that maintains that initial bond.
I admit that I did grow up watching romantic Cinderella movies. I grew up believing in the fairy tale. I also had the good fortunate to grow up watching a marriage that works. My parents still hold hands; they also still have arguments. It doesn't matter how many decades you get through with another person, disagreements are going to happen. As much as I wanted to fall in love, I also knew that relationships don't stop there. And, honestly, a comfortable settled relationship doesn't generally make for good entertainment. The only times it really seems to be successful in media is when we see a couple already established who has gone through all the different phases of falling in love already off camera. And I have to admit that as much as enjoy my relationship, I wouldn't want to watch a TV show about us.
We are all so different and respond to our own individual needs in different ways. Bringing another person into that part of our lives is both rewarding and frustrating. Having someone to support you and be there when it looks like there is no light at the end of the tunnel feels like magic sometimes. However, the other person has needs too and those don't go away just because they are helping you with yours. Sometimes we meet the person whose needs balance with our own, and we build a relationship with that person. Sometimes they don't and both people look for other options.
There is no perfect formula for a happy marriage because no two people are the same nor do they interact the same. I believe research has shown that there are some basic core components that make a relationship successful, but how each couple meets those components varies with what each partner brings to the table. I think the only thing that really seems to be consistent to having a successful relationship is that both partners are committed to making that relationship a success. This commitment can mean the difference between an argument that creates a positive change in a relationship and an argument that destroys it. If both partners want to work it out, they are much more likely to be successful in doing so (though admittedly not always).
I agree with the author that relationships are hard. Relationships are hard but for good reason. It is always hard work to build something meant to last. It doesn't mean that the difficulty of the task is unrewarding. Have my husband and I argued? Yes. Have we hurt each other? Yes. Do we make each other crazy sometimes? Yes. Have we grown stronger because of it? Yes. Would I change that? No. Relationships are worth it when you get it right. I still have those moments when I am struck by how much I love what we have, and I lean over and tell my husband exactly that. Sometimes other people witness this. I am not doing this to flaunt my happiness at others. I don't do this because I am saying "look at how effortless love is." I do this because I never want to miss an opportunity to let him know how much I appreciate him. It creates good karma for the difficult times ahead… and there always are.
What I think would be of benefit to our culture is not just explaining that relationships are hard, but helping others understand how to get through the difficult times. I worry that just saying that relationships are hard might encourage a culture that just accepts it without putting the work into making sure that relationships aren't always hard. I don't think it is just the awareness that is lacking. I think that there is also a lack of understanding of the different kinds of relationships, the different stages of relationships, and some of the techniques to help get people through.
